Wow it's been like forever! I'm so glad to get a moment to just chill out, and not be obligated to something or help someone. Not that I don't like helping people it's just that I need some "me" time. Well I have a lot to say of course, but since it's Sunday night I don't have time to say everything. I just want to write a quick note to let everyone know that I'm not dead (well not yet any way. JK JK. ) Well i took about 2 weeks for me to get my computer back. I'm starting a new website, but I'll discuss that later. Austin was awesome, and I'm going back Thursday, so I'll try to write the full story before then. I'll probably write on Tuesday. I haven't even written in my journal. I'm kinda upset right now, but that's really nothing new. I'm always upset about something because I'm one of those passionate people who care about stuff, but this is a different kind of upset. I'm really more hurt than upset. We had a drum line competition yesterday, and some things didn't go as I had hoped, but again I'm not going into details on that. Well that's enough for now.

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Wow I'm been so completely busy lately. Luckily it's almost over. We went to UIL yesterday, but I have no idea how we did. I have to admit, I'm so proud of myself. For once I feel like I did something musically good, but I get into that later. Okay now for all those confessions that I mentioned. Let's start with the biggest one. I'm not as confident as I *try* to pretend. There I said it. I'm not really the original Miss Independent. I'm pretty sure you're wonder where all this hot mess came from. Well here's the story. On the last Tuesday of September all the schools in the district were supposed to come together to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the  school district, and have a semi band competition. Well I was less than excited because I was just now learning how to play the xylophone, and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I'm still pretty clueless compared to others, but I'm pretty good for the amount of time that I've been playing that big ass instrument. (Yes my instrument is bigger than I am.) Well the part I was most scared of was when all the schools came together, and I had to play the symbols. Really I wasn't all that scared of playing in the show with my xylophone. I said I was scared to sound all modest, and flawed. I don't mean to talk bad about myself, I just want to acknowledge the fact that I Know I'm not as skilled as everyone else. Yet. To be perfectly honest I felt really confident in my ability to play my music. I was actually scared to play the symbols. I know what you're thinking, "Symbols! Are you serious! All you have to do is keep up with tempo!" Yea here's the thing. Symbols are really loud when you mess up, and I didn't know when to play the damn symbols. Also to me the symbols weigh a ton. I could even hold em'. How was I suppose to play them? Moving on with the story. We did our routine, and watched a few schools compete. The moment that I had been dreading had finally arrived. To my relief (or so I thought) We ran out of symbols just before we were to preform. I only people who didn't have symbols were me and my best friend. I thought I was off the hook, and I was. I didn't want to be the only one no playing so I was relieved that me and my best friend were both not playing. Well as we were walking my band director passed by. We stopped to tell her that we didn't have any symbols. She looked at us crazy, and said, "Here's somebody's symbols in my hands." Of course I didn't grab them so my friend did. We continued to the field. I was just standing there, and my friend said, "You gotta get out of here." I was like, "Well where do I go?" "I don't don't care. Just get out of here." Now when we both didn't have symbols the plan was to just stand there, but that plan changed apparently. At the moment she said that my heart just dropped from a 50 story building. I walked away, and tried not to cry. My mind started going back to all the years in all the other groups that I've been in. I'm never good enough to be apart of the group.  I  started wondering if I will ever succeed in any musical group. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, but I've been just replaying it over, and over again in my head. I walk around for awhile in the dark. Finally I called my mom. I told her what had happened. She said to just go sit down somewhere in the light, and wait for my group. I found the concession stand, and took a seat. This whole time I was thinking that I should just run away, and then they would miss me.  Then I thought about the consequences, and I thought to myself that it's not even worth it. i couldn't take it anymore, and I started crying. I would look at my phone periodically to check the time. I had a lot of time to think. I thought about going to the bus, but I didn't know which one to get on. Then I thought I could call my mom, and tell her to pick me up, but I had no idea where I was. Then it all occurred to me that I'm so dependent on everyone else. I always wait for everyone else to go first. I never even wanted to be the line leader because I was scared I would do something wrong or get lost. The only reason I got in band was because my best friend promised that she would help me. I just feel so scared and lost. As I sat there crying, a parent from my school walked by, and saw. She tried to help me find my bus. When we found the bus I noticed that my phone wasn't in my pocket. I started panicking and looking for my phone. I retraced my steps, but I couldn't find it. So there I was alone. No phone. No friends. No way to find the bus. I sat on the ground and finished crying. A security guard saw me, and stopped to help. I told her the whole story. A few people tried to call my phone, but they got no answer. I finally made it to the bus, and I know all my teachers were so mad at me, but at that moment I really didn't give a damn. I sat down, and try to calm down. Everybody was like what happened to her, and my best friend was like just leave her alone. I didn't talk. I finally turned around to tell my friend that I lost my phone. I called my mom to tell her that. We made it back to school, and I got in the car, and started back crying. Of course my mom didn't know what to say. We stopped to get something to drink, and went home. I told my mom some of what was bothering me, and then I went to bed. I really didn't want to come to school after what had happened  the night before, but it was a new day. I made through day. My mom told me that someone had found my phone. I was so happy. I went a whole week without a phone, and it almost killed me. I was so happy to get my phone back. I love my new phone because it's like a musician's dream. Well that's that little piece of drama. Moving on. I have been working so hard for UIL. I've been so hard on myself lately I think it's time to say something good about myself now. I've been playing the xylophone for 6 weeks, and I'm so fucking good at it. As a matter of fact I'm so good that i got to play in the show. For someone who has a visual challenge as mom likes to call it I do a damn good job. Well that's pretty much it for now. TTYL!

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